The Son, The Spirit, And The Father; The One
My struggle for expression is deeply rooted in my dithyrambic loving of the word “love” . I have given up belief in the word yet am in a constant battle with myself to give in to the romanticized and dramatized lifestyle glorified by television and media in general. I preach against the fairy tales and subconsciously yearn for a life where I can save the day and be proclaimed the hero, the hero to the loyal and loving admirers. I want to lead a million into combat and conquer the enemy. I want to come out bloodied and bloodthirsty alongside the same million souls urging the force forward, forward to fight and destroy all oppressors and tyrants who choose to destroy the land our God bestowed upon us. But nothing like that happens. And to search for the right way to, if not given a different opportunity as listed before, express the emotions which tempt insanity and the shattering of a fragile mind is the plague from which I try to escape. But it seems the desire for a drain of emotion, negative and good, has chained me within the quarantined zone. Not only living within the darkness, but isolating myself within it.
This realization was dragged out through a series of events that was caused in part by my loss of faith. This is God’s fault.
When in the process of losing God I was attacked by demons. The searing presence awoke me and the pulsing energy looming over me paralyzed me in fear. Moving away not an option I stopped and waited. The malevolent entity caressing my back with its looming presence not pleasing nor soothing me but striking fear within me. Blood strains to course through my veins and thoughts scramble to make sense of an impossible situation. Just as blood overpowers the obstacles I regain control of my own body the presence disappeared and I am there alone- Breathing hard, sweating, dying, and alone. Within the week I had two more encounters with these demons each with more and more intensity than the last. But as my need for more information lead me on a chase I am told these demons, these haunting enigmas were no more real than my thoughts and growing paranoia of the ominous living shadows painted all over the walls and ceilings. The was nothing more than “sleep paralysis” in which the body remains in a state of dormancy as the mind begins to awaken. This causes the mind to panic as it has no control over the body. This inability to control gives the impression that it is under the influence of a foreign force. But since no foreign force is detected a being is fabricated fear consumes the victim. But science is not the answer. God was telling me to stay with Him; bull shit. I was telling myself to stay in His good graces, to hold dear what would give me a purpose, to stay within the scope of an existence which is more than what it is. But I refused to allow myself to be intimidated by my own mind. I would fight myself whether both opposing forces are drained and destroyed. The civil war began. Logic’s triumph proved to be a Pyrrhic victory.
What I lost in that, was the beauty and divine innocence that human beings where infused with at birth by God’s hand. With that gone what is left is a gaping, consuming hole, sucking deeper and ever expanding. This hole spawns in the heart, the hands and the mind. My head falls, my chest hollows, and my hands grasp at my own body draining my very own aura. This is what I feel when I am reminded of the demise of divine rewards, of the hideousness of individuals, of violent tendencies of a drunk father, a drunk nation, a drunk lover. The black of the world triggers a black hole within me, within my “soul” or consciousness which does not let me live, die, smile or cry. Now for the greater part of my life this black has tried to escape. Acoustics are not enough to bring beauty to my lack of dexterity, carbon tipped wood not lending my hand ability, I falter, struggle, fall short of showing it, of releasing myself. Where does one turn as many refuse to listen and turn away, not even paper staying long enough to release him? I am relinquished of emotion, relinquished of desire, relinquished of humanity.
Only there, on my knees, dirt and grass staining me, dethroned and abandoned by my romantic side, do I rightfully claim my deserved jurisdiction of the Kingdom of Heaven.
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